Stop Trying So Hard

Admittedly, this is strange advice. But I mean it in a very specific way: stop trying to force your way into spaces where you aren’t wanted.

I posted a video about this to my social channels. In it I said this:

“One of the best pieces of advice I can give to teens – both middle school colleges & all- stop trying to force yourself in places where people don’t want you. Just stop trying so hard.

What I mean by that is there will always be someone or a group of people or hell a job or even a parent volunteer organization where someone just doesn’t like you. Go find your people elsewhere. Stop wasting your time trying to prove that you’re great. I did that for too long myself and finally learned in my 40’s that that was a waste. I am wonderfully made by God – and there are others who agree. 

This type of petty childish behavior you may think stops when people become adults but it doesn’t. Hell I’ve experienced it even today from some parent organization. People do not age out of disliking others. 

Go where you are wanted- not just for what you can offer but where you are cherished and loved as you are. And in those places you will thrive!”

To further define my thoughts on this- because I feel like it’s way more than can go in a roughly 60 second video- there’s a difference between persistence and being a pest.

To be clear: Travis Kelce = persistence. He showed interest until Taylor was aware- it would be different had she rejected him and he wouldn’t go away.

And this overall reflection comes from years of my own stubborn and, frankly, embarrassing moments in hindsight. I spent so many years trying to figure out what did it mean to be liked, what did it mean to have friends, that at some point I learned to simply force myself into places and spaces that I thought I deserved to be in. The result, as I look back, was to end up in places where I felt deeply uncomfortable. I may not have deserved to be unwanted in these spaces, true, it may have all been based on silly and childish things (some of this I know to be fact some I’m just guessing). Face it: we’ve all had a moment where someone in a room didn’t like us, started whispering, and you knew it was about you. Especially when the whole group looks you up and down.

Why stay in that moment? Even if you deserve to be there- even if those people are mean- why not go somewhere where you are wanted? And not just wanted- but celebrated for the bright light that you are?

I feel like this personal epiphany has coincided with finding more places where I am affirmed: for who I am as a person, for the work that I do, and for my faith; but also in finding more places where I have been able to easily make friends. People who do not care about my backstory, unless I choose to share it.

I had not experienced that in this type of way until now. That I don’t have to be defined by my nasty divorce, by having some career ups and downs, having a child out of wedlock (yeah- I still get some sideways comments about that one), the very things that make us human.

Having this realization also made it’s way into my sermon, previously posted here, and I think it’s something we should all aim for… but that we should all aim to be a home for the weary. For the judged. To create spaces where others are welcome. Because we’re all just trying to get home. I have to wonder, if we had that, if everyone had someone- what would change?

If I could ask one thing of God- I think it would be for that. For no one to feel lonely. For everyone to have people. I think that would help cure to root of so many problems.

A Creator I Love to Follow:

Brian Recker @berecker

Brian is a former pastor- which may seem like an odd person to recommend. But he’s a fabulous voice in this deconstruction movement around religion, specifically Evangelical Christianity.

An action I’m taking this week:

Honestly, I’m resting, and meditating, and praying.